It’s has been a very long time since I have written a post, but there has been so much I have wanted to say. Although I will still not divulge all, for my husband’s privacy, I will give you a glimpse into what has caused my delay. This post is titled “Hold On,” in honor of Sarah McLachlan’s song of the same name on her Mirrorball album. I heard it for the first time in years yesterday and it spoke to me so deeply that I can still feel it resonating within me today. The words are as follows:

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

For this is gonna hurt like hell

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

You know that only time will tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe?

This isn’t easier than the real thing

My love, you know that you’re my best friend

You know I’d do anything for you

My love, let nothing come between us

My love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am I–?

At the crossroads I am standing

So now you’re sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

You’ll be strong tomorrow

And will see another day

And we will praise it

And love the light that brings a smile across your face

Oh God, if you’re out there, won’t you hear me?

I know that we’ve never talked before

Oh God, the man I love is leaving

Won’t you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?

At the crossroads I am standing

Now you’re sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

That you’ll be strong tomorrow

And will see another day

And we will praise it

And love the light that brings a smile

Now you’re sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

That you’ll be strong tomorrow

And will see another day

And we will praise it

And love the light that brings a smile across your face

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

For this is gonna hurt like hell

My husband continues to be by my side. I love him more than I could ever have imagined possible. We just celebrated our 28th anniversary. However, as we all know, life throws obstacles, and the best made plans are upended.

Bill is 51 years old, and has been the picture of health for most of his life. I was always the one sick, Crohn’s being my biggest health concern, as discussed in previous posts. Recently the situation has flipped, and it has thrown us for a loop. It is not cancer, nor mental illness, and that is a blessing, but it is still a very large obstacle. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind that moves you to readjust your bucket list timeline. The kind that reminds you of how precious life is. The kind that forces you to count your blessings. The kind that changes everything, and nothing at all.

The love of my life is fighting a disease that he shouldn’t have to, a disease we never expected, a disease that came out of nowhere and slapped us in the face. and honestly…..it hurts like hell.